On Adversity
I had always heard and saw people who looked different after a trauma. And I would say maybe it's because of the meds. Of course it's because of the meds. Well partly. But partly because of the trauma itself. People change, sometimes for the better after they find out about their illness. But people change drastically after a traumatic event or a news. After my accident in may this year, I came back with high motivation to come out of the blow, to live again as if nothing had happened. And I did for a couple of months, but something I realised only a few days ago is that I never really came out of that trauma. To a person who does not know about my accident, I sound pretty okay, but people around me who know me, who have seen me in pain, see a difference. Above all, it's not about what people notice, it's about how I feel and I completely forgot not feel okay inside my heart. At first it began with a few good days and a few bad days, now it's a bad day everyday. I try to work, I try to distract, I try to do what I like. Sometimes I would read, or paint. Sometimes I would just stare at a wall. These meds, are terrible. They put you on an insane track. Feelings of demotivation, irritability, being silent, feeling sad, are all results of my on going trauma.. Every week at the dentists' opening my jaw for long hours with my TMJ, that's the pain only I can feel, not even describe. Upon that. Muscular pain, joint pain, Toothache, nervous pain… .meds over meds. I try talking to my friends who know me closely and can empathize with me but those feelings of high only last a few moments and I feel so weak. I've never felt weak. I was grown strong. But before these meds, I lay astray. I've stopped enjoying simple things in life, like listening to birds in the evening. And bigger things in life like the love of my family. I've stopped enjoying reading a book. Or watching a movie. I just mechanically do it that in this act shall I find peace. All the pep talks about being strong and finding peace within are ashes of dust infront of my pain. I never recovered from my accident, both physically and mentally. And now that I have another surgery planned, it's going to come all over again. The hospital, the injections, the pain, not being able to eat. And I am not ready for it but I have to go through it for a rational long term purpose.
I don't know what will settle my heart anymore. Though I have nothibg else to complain except my TMJ. But I want to know, what is it that I can do to overcome or at least reduce how bad I feel. How desperate I am to be alive again. I know the meds did this. And they will continue to do so.
I've tried to accept what happened, it helped a little. But often, only acceptance and social support is not enough, that's why they go to therapy. But I know what happens there and I don't want to try that.
Maybe I should now accept that just like I had a high when I got Fulbright and studied in one of the best universities in US, this one is a low and just like that, this shall too pass away.
